The Cubs have named Kerry Wood as their closer this season. Far be it for us to second-guess the decisions of a respected baseball man like Lou Piniella, but it must be noted that Wood has been a tad injury-prone.
Indeed, here are the 10 most likely Wood injuries we foresee this season:
10. Suffers burns in tragic misunderstanding of new "fireman" role
9. Injures back swinging sledgehammer at coach's car as part of hilarious prank (oops, he's already denied that one)
8. Punctures eardrum during patented Piniella tirade
7. Tears rotator cuff picking up bullpen phone
6. Sprains neck recoiling from description of Felix Pie's twisted testicle
5. Proctologist called after he accidentally impales himself on "Linguine Lou"
4. Slips getting out of hot tub (my bad, that was last year)
3. Separates shoulder patting himself on the back for being healthier than Mark Prior
2. Collapses under weight of team's 100-year championship drought
1. Strains diaphragm while blowing save
NFL Training Camps
Comments (470)
That's PIE-YEA to you!
Brian K Jones | 03/25/08, 10:33 AM
Report Offensive Comment5. Proctologist called after he accidentally impales himself on "Linguine Lou"
Big Tuna
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Classic Seinfeld, Big Tuna! Well done on the list today.
Ghost of Jen's past | 03/25/08, 10:34 AM
Report Offensive Comment12.29) Inflames hemorrhoids after using Squeezable Charmin
Brian K Jones | 03/25/08, 10:35 AM
Report Offensive CommentBreaks fingers when he gets them caught on the bullpen door
Lolly - Wildlife Secretary | 03/25/08, 10:35 AM
Report Offensive CommentSorry- took a minute to put this together:
Biggie's crew killed Tupac
Tupac's crew killed Biggie
That's two dead guys who make more than me.
Brian K Jones
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Walkin the streets is like battlin, be careful with your body
You must know karate or think your soul is bulletproof like Sade
Stop actin like a **** already, be a visionary
And maybe you can see your name in the column of obituary
Third grade teacher readin and talkin about,
"I knew he'd amount to nothin"
Neighbors like, "He was the quiet type,
who'd have thought they was frontin?"
Talkin Loud like you in RCA,
Get carted away with body parts in trays,
What a way to start your day
Yo, it's like:
One, two, three
Mos Def and Talib Kweli
We came to rock it on to the tip-top
Best alliance in hip-hop, wy-o
I said, one, two, three
It's kind of dangerous to be a emcee
They shot Tupac and Biggie
Too much violence in hip-hop, wy-o
Galloping_Ghost | 03/25/08, 10:36 AM
Report Offensive Comment11. Gets bitten by a goat.
Mr. Adams | 03/25/08, 10:36 AM
Report Offensive Comment11. Conked on the head from baseball thrown back in from the stands by longtime fan.
12. To save money, begins rooming with Steve Bartman, who accidentally electrocutes him before the NL Championship game.
Ghost of Jen's past | 03/25/08, 10:36 AM
Report Offensive CommentSuffers from tired shoulder from saving the one win per week for the Cubs
Lolly - Wildlife Secretary | 03/25/08, 10:36 AM
Report Offensive Comment13.1) Sprains elbow to honor his hero Tommy John.
rock_chalk | 03/25/08, 10:37 AM
Report Offensive CommentWell rapped, GG.
Brian K Jones | 03/25/08, 10:38 AM
Report Offensive Comment13. Gets strangled by rampant ivy.
Mr. Adams | 03/25/08, 10:38 AM
Report Offensive Comment14) Knocked unconscious by fan's empty beer cup while sitting in the Cubs bullpen.
FGB | 03/25/08, 10:38 AM
Report Offensive Comment13.2) Tears stomach muscles while sneezing like 'some other' Cub did.
rock_chalk | 03/25/08, 10:39 AM
Report Offensive CommentGood morning, FGB!
SoBeGaPe- That's My Baby! | 03/25/08, 10:39 AM
Report Offensive Comment14. Upper level of Wrigley Field crashes down on him.
Mr. Adams | 03/25/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive Comment15) Suffers frostbite while standing in the shadow of Barry Bonds head.
FGB | 03/25/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive Comment13.3) Gets his **** kicked by White Sox father and son duo
rock_chalk | 03/25/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive CommentIs blinded when he looks up into the lights following the flight of a homerun ball.
Lolly - Wildlife Secretary | 03/25/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive Comment11. Suffers concussion from fainting, after not seeing Jens name on "The 10 Spot Caption This" list.
randymso | 03/25/08, 10:41 AM
Report Offensive CommentEye injury from rolling eyes at another Ozzie Guillen tirade cross-town.
Galloping_Ghost | 03/25/08, 10:41 AM
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