FanNation

We heard the hype: Don Cherry's coming to ESPN! A Canadian institution... what till you get a load of Cherry, he's unlike anything you've seen...

Now I've seen him. With a wardrobe like Elton John and a voice like Burgess Meredith  (you know that guy in Rocky Balboa's corner... ) I guess I'm supposed to be caught up in the enigma. OK, I get it... he's a paradox... oooo... how edgy.

He's a tough guy dressed like a pansy, and that's supposed to be entertaining... And I guess he is, in a "bear skating in a circus" sort of way. Trouble is... the bear probably knows more about hockey. Where does this guy come up with his oh-so-wonderful observations?

A random sampling:

Q: Don, why are the Stars having such a hard time against Detroit?

DB: (Dancing Bear) Well, I'll tell you what it was: It's that stupid delay of game call the NHL put in.

Q: Waaah? ... Delay of game call against Detroit...?

DB: No, no. Not Detroit. It happened in GAME 5 against the Sharks.

Q: Wait... a call from 5 games ago is why the Stars are losing?

DB: Yeah, the Stars should have won that game, and they didn't. That made them play two more games plus overtimes, and it used up everything they've got. I always said that you only have so much in the tank for playoffs, and they used theirs up.

Huh? Well, speaking of tanks... Don... are you tanked when you do these interviews? How else can you explain this gem:

Q: Don, how are there empty seats at Joe Louis arena? I mean, they call themselves Hockey Town and they don't sell out in the playoffs? What gives?

DB: I'll tell you the problem... Detroit isn't giving the fans what they want. Detroit fans don't want this ticky tack hockey. They want rough and tumble hockey, with hits and fights.

Really? The Red Wings raced wire to wire winning the President's cup, and then get on a roll in the playoffs winning nine straight... and Detroit fans don't want to watch that? They think the Red Wings - crashing into Dallas net and zone like waves from the red sea - play ticky tack hockey? Wow... brilliant observation "Coach."

But here's a thought: Maybe the fact that Detroit's unemployment is higher than any other city, and the economy has gone south due to the car market downturn has something to do with it. You think? Naaa... must be that Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk are ticky-tack, left-wing-pinko players.

But it's not just the West that brings out Cherry's World of Wisdom. Look at the great advice he gives about the Eastern Finals:

Q: Coach why did the Flyers lose to the Penguins in Game 3?

DB: Oh, Therrien made a good coaching move. He takes Dupuis off of Crosby's line and puts Jordan Staal on with him and Hossa, and the result was a goal. (As he is talking the video highlight shows Crosby passing to Hossa, and Hossa scoring... no Jordan Staal in sight... Jordon Staal, in fact does not get a point in the game!)

DB: But enough of that hockey stuff, I brought a video clip from game 2 as a special treat for ESPN fans. (Shows clip of Kennedy fighting Upshall) See that? See how Kennedy takes off his elbow pad before the fight? I taught him that.

Yeah... right. And that's probably why he made the team. What skill with an elbow pad! Maybe Coach Cherry has more in common with Burguess Meredith than his voice? They both know more about fighting than hockey.

I guess "The Great Grapes" can only follow the hockey game when they are fighting. Because the stuff with sticks and pucks seem too much for him to grasp.

Typical of Don Cherry - who never lets the facts get in the way of his opinion - He completely dismisses Pascal Dupuis' amazing performance from Game 2 (I guess he was too busy watching the fight) - Too bad... because if Cherry had stayed awake for the hockey part of the game, he would have seen Dupuis putting on a clinic of Playoff hockey. He was everywhere, crashing into the defenders on the forecheck, coming back on the backcheck... Dupuis had a personal highlight reel game in Game 2... But according to this Hockey Genius, Therrien rewarded that game by demoting him. Yeah, that sounds like a good coach.

The fact is that when Cherry decides he likes someone, they can do no wrong. When he doesn't, he will find strange and peculiar "problems" with them. This is the guy who called Mario Lemieux "The King of the Garbage Goals" (wow, 690 goals... that's a lot of garbage!); a man who, on his last gig in America (in the 90s), referred to Mario Lemieux and Jaromir Jagr as "Mario and his daughter."  The guy who started trashing Crosby While he was in Junior Hockey!  

And the guy who - apparently - cannot count to five. In 1979, when he was coaching the Bruins in the Play-offs -- with the game winding down, he sends too many men on the ice against the Canadians, giving the Habs a powerplay with 74 seconds left... way to go "Coach." Bruins lose, Cherry gets canned, and later hired as an analyst. An institution is born.

From that day to this, he has spouted is guttural words of wisdom from his "Coaches Corner".  Incredibly, people seem to listen to him - much to the dismay of some in Canada. Newspaper columnist Roy MacGregor once wrote: "His thinking, and his extraordinary influence, has been the single most destructive influence on the development of Canadian hockey."

I'm thinking not, though. I'm thinking that the Canadians just watch him for a laugh. He's the funniest Canadian export since Mike Meyers. (Who did a fair impersonation of Cherry in the move Mystery, Alaska).

But Hockey insight? He has as much hockey insight as Rocky Balboa.