Jose Canseco has reportedly signed up for a July 12 boxing match in Atlantic City. All Canseco and his promoter need now is an opponent, who will be paid $5,000. Presumably Jose wants to keep a lion's share of the take to help get his house out of foreclosure.
The low fee likely rules out all but the desperate. Fortunately, the sports world is replete with the attention-starved, the down-on-their-luck and the anything-for-a-buck. (Fun with hyphens!)
We'd like to humbly suggest a few possibilities to step into the squared circle against everyone's favorite steroids user:
Dennis Rodman -- It's been months since we've heard anything from the multi-hued knucklehead, which means he's due. Possesses just the right mix of athleticism and insanity for this kind of stunt. One question: Will he enter ring in traditional boxing robe, or frilly Victoria's Secret number?
David Wells -- Volunteering himself for the Yankees starting rotation hasn't worked to date for the 45-year-old lefty, so he should be free. He has a lot to prove after getting decked by a height-challenged fan in a late-night diner back in 2002. Still, can the portly portsider make weight?
Mike Vick -- The fight might have to be moved to Leavenworth, but Vick wouldn't be the first inmate allowed to box during his sentence. Vick's football future is up in the air, so he probably should learn a new sport anyway. Plus, plenty of pooch lovers would relish the chance to watch Vick get pummeled in the ring.
Ozzie Canseco -- Surely the lesser-known Canseco twin has some aggression to work out against his brother. But will we truly know which one is which?
Charles Barkley -- It sure seems he could use the money; even though he finally paid the $400,000 he owed a Vegas casino, he's still on the hook for a $40K fee. (Beware the small print.) Plus the Atlantic City location is convenient just in case Sir Charles backtracks on his firm anti-gambling pledge. ("I'm quitting gambling ... Well, I won't gamble for a year or two ... Not for a few weeks anyway ... Split those 8s, bay-bee!")
Brian McNamee -- His personal-trainer business is pretty much shot, so why not? He couldn't have been happy that Jose tried to bail Roger Clemens out of that whole barbeque mess, even though McNamee remembered enough specifics from that day to make a Cinemax late-night movie (nannies in peach bikinis and hot housewives comparing implants ... oh my!).
Olympic Track Stars to Watch
Comments (146)
But will we truly know which one is which?
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Sure. Just look at which one is roided up, and which one is still scrawny.
DJ C - Pete 3:16 | 05/21/08, 10:39 AM
Report Offensive CommentHow can the ever crazy and ever broke Mike Tyson be left off this list? Put it on PPV and every baseball player in the league will buy it to watch Jose get pummeled.
Aimless Wonderer | 05/21/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive CommentBut will we truly know which one is which?
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Look for the one that looks like a bobblehead
Uncle Ben - Data Monkey | 05/21/08, 10:40 AM
Report Offensive CommentNot your best work, Pete. But what should we expect when we're not giving you the ideas for your posts?
DJ C - Pete 3:16 | 05/21/08, 10:43 AM
Report Offensive CommentBarry Bonds -- Ideal opponent his head provides a broad-side-of-a-barn (continuing the fun with hyphens theme) target for Jose.
DOC - Major Medical | 05/21/08, 10:44 AM
Report Offensive CommentPete, why don't you jump in the ring, wouldn't the purse double you current salary?
Uncle Ben - Data Monkey | 05/21/08, 10:47 AM
Report Offensive CommentMaybe Arlen Specter could give it a go - he seems to have the proper combination of attention starvation and feistiness.
Martel - Moopsbane | 05/21/08, 10:47 AM
Report Offensive CommentHot housewives? Shouldn't Advil work for that?
Brian K Jones | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentHow about Tonya Harding?
Anthony Verna | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentGeorge Foreman - he could also provide the grills for the post-fight BBQ
DOC - Major Medical | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentTonya Harding - she always needs a buck.
Brian K Jones | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentMaybe Arlen Specter could give it a go - he seems to have the proper combination of attention starvation and feistiness.
Martel - Moopsbane | 05/21/08, 10:47 AM
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Yeah, but how would you know when he's developed a cauliflower-ear?
DJ C - Pete 3:16 | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentNot your best work, Pete. But what should we expect when we're not giving you the ideas for your posts?
DJ Chris - SitH Lord
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Always a pleasure, DJ.
The 10 Spot | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentDrat, AV!
Brian K Jones | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
Report Offensive CommentSomehow Kyle Turley fits in nicely here.
Brian K Jones | 05/21/08, 10:49 AM
Report Offensive CommentTonya Harding - she always needs a buck.
Brian K Jones | 05/21/08, 10:48 AM
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I heard she's always looking for something else. It begins with F, and ends with UCK.
That's right. She has an obsession with Firetrucks.
DJ C - Pete 3:16 | 05/21/08, 10:50 AM
Report Offensive CommentGood call on Tonya Harding.. Tyson's the one who was interested in fighting a woman though. Jose probably works as the next best thing though after all those years of juicing.
Aimless Wonderer | 05/21/08, 10:50 AM
Report Offensive CommentRocky Balboa - roids vs. roids.
Martel - Moopsbane | 05/21/08, 10:51 AM
Report Offensive CommentGood call on Tonya Harding.. Tyson's the one who was interested in fighting a woman though. Jose probably works as the next best thing though after all those years of juicing.
Aimless Wonderer | 05/21/08, 10:50 AM
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Didn't Canseco date Madonna?
Didn't Rodman?
We could have some kind of boxing Battle Royal here. . .
Anthony Verna | 05/21/08, 10:52 AM
Report Offensive CommentRocky Balboa
Martel - Moopsbane | 05/21/08, 10:51 AM
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But how would you know when he's got a concussion? I already can't understand a think Stallone says.
DJ C - Pete 3:16 | 05/21/08, 10:53 AM
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