Don't worry, fans and haters, I haven't given up on getting through all 20 teams before the season starts. I've just been really busy this week, so--
What's that? There are 32 teams?! Holy Holly Golightly! I'd better get through these faster!
Today’s Absurd Prediction: Over the 2nd half of the season, the Bengals’ defense will be ranked in the top 16.
Doing so would, mathematically, put them in the upper half of the league’s ranks. Here’s why I think this long-suffering unit could finally have some success. 1) The guys at the weaker positions are young. As the season goes on, they get more experience and should improve. 2) A major reason the defense was so bad last year was that injuries hit very hard. I watched one game where they only had (I believe) one full-strength linebacker suited up by the game’s end. 3) They’ve made some coaching changes (addressed below) that should help as the players adjust. 4) They have a very easy travel schedule in the last seven games, never going more than a state away, which will minimize fatigue. The biggest problem with my prediction, save the fact that it involves the Bengals’ defense being better than average, is that they have 7 teams who finished above .500 last year in their last 9 games. But, my regular readers know, I put little stock in last year’s finish.
Coaching Changes: This Year, We’re Fixing The Defense, Part V (B)
The Bengals brought in Mike Zimmer, who earned his reputation as Cowboys defensive coordinator and ran the Falcons’ defense last year. I won’t fault him too much for anything that happened in Atlanta, but that was the 29th-ranked unit in the league. Just sayin’. Hopefully for Cincinnati, the players will buy into his system and this defense will improve fast. The other new hire was linebackers coach Jeff FitzGerald, who coached the likes of Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, Terrell Suggs, Adalius Thomas, and Jarrett Johnson. This hire I like a lot, and it should greatly aid the development of youngsters Rashad Jeanty, Ahmad Brooks, and the #9 draft pick Keith Rivers. Adjusting to the new coaches may take time, but it should pay dividends later in the season and in future years.
Draft: Hey Chad, look at all the new receivers. (A-)
Rivers, the Bengals' earliest draft pick since Carson Palmer, couldn't have landed in a better spot. The LB-desparate Bengals will expect him to start day 1, and they've committed to getting him the coaching he needs to succeed. I like Rivers a lot; he's an explosive, fiery player who can get knocked over by a lineman and still get up and make the play. He's got the speed to catch most running backs and the awareness to be useful in the passing game. 2nd-round wideout Jerome Simpson has an interesting highlight reel - four shots of the same play where he hurdles over a defender with superhuman leaping ability, a few other catches, and one play where he has the fortitude to recover a long fumbled snap. I get a feeling it'll be a little while before he can be effective in the NFL; his route-running is shoddy, and he's not a blazing-speed guy, so he's going to need a good deal of coaching. But he should be ready to move into the slot in a year or two. DT Pat Sims, at 310 pounds, is nothing if not a space-eater. As long as Cincy can get enough other threats on the D-line that Sims won't be doubled, he should be a starter in short order. As if preparing for life after Chad Johnson, the Bengals took another WR next, Andre Caldwell, who's one of those guys who could prove that combine numbers mean something, or that they overhype certain players. Caldwell's 40 time shot him upwards in the draft, though it's not the only reason he was drafted so high. He's great at catching the ball in traffic, was on a championship team in Florida, and in my opinion looks more like a slot receiver than Simpson. Fourth-round T Anthony Collins was a steal who will get time to develop behind a strong Bengal starting O-line - he has the size, tools, and experience against solid competition to make it as long as he has some decent coaching. The next choice was baffling. DT Jason Shirley is huge and has some talent, but only played three games last year, not due to injury, but for various suspensions. He seems a classic doesn't-learn-his-lesson glutton for trouble, and I don't know why the Bengals, needing an image clean-up, would take a chance on this guy who is described by SI's scouts as "poorly conditioned." In the sixth, they took S Corey Lynch, who comes from famous underdog Appalachian State, and who should be an excellent special-teamer. They also got a TE, Matthew Sherry, who is sized like a blocker but is actually a pass-catcher with marginal blocking skills. And with two compensatory seventh-round selections, they took pass-rushing OLB Angelo Craig and Mario Urrutia, a 6'5", 232 pounder who despite lacking speed and route-running skills is listed as a WR, not a TE. This looks like a very good draft by the Bengals, with a couple of new playmakers on defense, and some rookie receivers chosen at just the right time - they'll get reps with Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh away, but they'll have time to develop before they're expected to be starters.
Player Movement: Out with the old, out with the not-so-old, too. (C)
They lost their #1 tackler, Landon Johnson, as well as Justin Smith, who you may know as the guy who emerged as a supreme superstar all the time in Madden 04. His 2-sack 2007 left everyone but San Francisco disillusioned, and he’s gone. Smith is replaced by Antwan Odom, who emerged last year for the Titans with a great 8-sack season. They also brought in LB Darryl Blackstock and TE Ben Utecht. Utecht’s and Odom’s knowledge of the AFC South will help, since the Bengals play all four teams from that division. Also lost in free agency: S Madieu Williams, C Alex Stepanovitch, WR Tab Perry, and presumably LB Lemar Marshall, though he has yet to sign with a new team. The front office made some cuts, including the indefinitely suspended Odell Thurman and Chris Henry, Doug Gabriel (whom they had signed only forty-one days earlier), and several minor players. All in all, there’s a lot of veteran leadership on defense gone, and that’s going to hurt for a little while. The Bengals are left with a very young unit, which doesn’t look great for this year, particularly early on.
Other Considerations: Stacy's mob has got it going on.
The Bengals have made offensive line continuity a priority during Marvin Lewis' tenure - for example, their franchise player, Stacy Andrews, was listed as a backup last year. The starting offensive line will likely consist of four guys the Bengals drafted this decade, and one they acquired before the 2004 season (Bobbie Williams). Backing them up, a rookie who can play multiple positions (Collins) and a long-time starter and former regular Pro Bowler, Willie Anderson. These seven guys will continue to be the key to a consistently great offense. That's even if Chad Johnson doesn't play for them this year; I believe the Bengals can get by without him if they trade him, especially if they pick up a free agent like Tim Carter, Samie Parker, or Keenan McCardell (depending whether they want to go with a young guy or a vet). They'd just need another target to keep teams from focusing too much on T.J. The point is, Chad Johnson needs the Bengals more than they need him, which probably means he'll play this year, and maybe get traded next year after Caldwell, Simpson, and Urrutia have played a season. Jonathan Joseph, Leon Hall, and Deltha O'Neal should be a pretty good set of corners for the Bengals this year, which might help keep some opposing scores down. But the safety position looks kind of suspect, and getting beaten on big plays might continue to be their Achilles' heel. But the biggest question of all for the Bengals: yes, DT Domata Peko appears big enough to be a solid interior guy - he's listed at 319 lbs. - but how much of that is his hair?
The Grade: Can Marvin Lewis survive another C+ season?
My guess is, yes he can, and he will, particularly due to the vast improvement over the latter half of the year. If they start 2-7 but finish 5-2, I think it'll be enough to give Lewis one more year.
Other Absurd Predictions:



Carmella Garcia
Anabel Dela Cerna

Comments (8) Add A Comment
Great blog my friend, butI think this is the most absurd prediction you've made so far. I like the Zimmer hire, and I like that they got rid of a lot of troublemakers. However, this is still one of the most dysfunctional teams in the league. I think a C+ is higher than they deserve though.
i B4 e:FN blows…
Austin, TX
Total Comments (6336)
"Most dysfunctional?" I don't know. The Chad Johnson mess is getting a lot of attention, but it's no worse than most of the other contract disputes out there, and almost every team has at least one of those. Thurman and Henry are off the team. And while other teams who definitely count as "most dysfunctional," such as Oakland, Miami, and Atlanta, are in the middle of complete overhauls once again, Cincinnati's kept a lot of things constant in recent years and has yet to finish worse than 7-9 under Marvin Lewis. Cincy's still probably around #10 on the most dysfunctional list, but they have a lot more talent than the others.
Dan TM is Stupendous…
Evanston , IL
Total Comments (2104)
Well, if the debate about Cincy is centered on the question of where they rank in the "most disfunctional" list, then we know we're on target.
With all the unknowns you brought up (young secondary, so much change-over in players), it's tough to have any idea where they'll finish. Dan, you seem to be consistently optimistic about their chances. I disagree. I've stopped thinking that the Bengals will ever be good.
What can I say? I'm done. I've always found myself picking the Bengals to win - practically every week - and they just never do. They're terrible. They always have been (except for that one year) and they always will be. They'll show flashes of talent now and then, but they'll always have a default position of suckage.
5-11
I do agree with you, though, Dan, about where they rank in disfunctionality. Chad Johnson is the ultimate ADHD kid, and that hurts the team, but he's not really such a bad guy. He's not driving drunk. He's not fighting outsid of night clubs. He's not getting arrested. And the guys who were doing those things? The Bengals got rid of them. The guys they have still may be bad, but at least they're not in jail... ...and proud we are of all of them.
Curly Lambeau
Total Comments (4519)
Great finish, Curly. But you and i b4 e both seem to be forgetting that 2007's 7-9 was their worst finish since Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis have been involved with the team. So while they've been bad, overall, since 1990 or so, they've been on the verge for a while and last year's failures probably had something to do with the unforseen suspensions and heavy defensive injuries. But most of my optimism has to do with this draft class - except for Shirley, I really like these guys.
Dan TM is Stupendous…
Evanston , IL
Total Comments (2104)
Well, your optimism is based on knowledge then. My pessimism is based solely on how they've been dissappointing so often. 7-9 may have been their worst record since Palmer & Lewis, but I still maintain that they've never been as good as they should be, except for the one year where Palmer got hurt in the playoffs. They were a juggernaut that year, and everybody keeps thinking they'll play up to that level again someday, but it just never happens.
When I first read your absurd prediction, I thought you said that their offense would be ranked in the top half of the league, and I thought "well, that's not THAT absurd," and then I looked again and saw that you said their DEFENSE would be ranked that high. Then I said to myself, "oh, okay, now THAT'S absurd."
Like I said, I see where you're coming from, and I haven't studied their draft like you did, but I'm just to the point that I'll believe it when I see it from the Bengals. Rudi seems to have hit that wall that big backs hit sometimes where they're always hurt and only semi-productive even when they aren't. Chad's ADHD has gotten the better of him. Carson seems to have "caught Bengal fever" (i.e. he's gotten accustomed to losing and being constantly frustrated). The suckage of their defense is like death and taxes....
So, I respect your knowledgable opinion, but I'm done banking on the Bengals.
Curly Lambeau
Total Comments (4519)
I hope the Bengals make the AFC Championship so I can sell my vintage 1981 untouched six-pack (I suppose it MAY be 1988, but I think it's the 1981 vintage) of Hu-Dey beer. With the money, I can buy tickets to the game and watch them get beat down by the Colts. </homer>
strangedavid
Bargersville , IN
Total Comments (92)
Quite interesting.......
Therrien Rocks
Mysterious, PA
Total Comments (1830)
Dan?? Come back, Dan...
strangedavid
Bargersville , IN
Total Comments (92)
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