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Remember the missing bride in Georgia, who sparked a national news frenzy after her disappearance then called from a 7-11 in New Mexico claiming she’d been kidnapped?  If you don’t remember the ending, it was eventually revealed she’d simply gotten cold feet and invented the whole kidnap scenario Well, sometimes I feel like the same thing is happening here.  For 4 years the press has been duped into MC'ing Brett Favre’s farewell tour until he high tailed it into retirement merely to return months later.  Here’s just a sampling of their incoherent babbling about Favre by “serious journalists”.

"This guy here is a football player." --John Madden, NBC

“I don’t think it matters who he plays for.  I think what Brett Favre should do is come back and play one game for each team. Ev’ry week somebody gets a Brett Favre.  Now you might take a pass if ya got a Peyton Manning or someone like that, or a Tom Brady ya might not need it.  A team like the Detroit Lions could get two Brett Favre’s – one at the beginning and at the end.” Frank Caliendo as John Madden, ESPN

"See that guy, that guy right there, that guy is a football player." --Paul McGuire, NFL network

"Favre, I want to sprinkle your salt-and-pepper hair on my 9-egg omelet." --Tony Siragusa, Fox

"Favre has more fun out there than an 6-year-old hopped up on Jolt Cola in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese." --Bob Costas, HBO

Listen, if one more fan justifies #4’s record breaking proneness for turnovers to me by extolling his childlike enthusiasm for playing professional football I’m calling them a pedophile and giving’ the heads up to NBC’s How To Catch A Predator. 

Former Redskins signal caller Gus Frerrotte also had a child like enthusiasm until he rammed his head into the end zone wall to celebrate a touchdown pass and strained his neck.  Hopefully Mark Schlereth is done wiping the saliva off Favre’s helmet.

   Conversely when Terrell Owens celebrates by signing footballs with sharpies stuffed in his sock, or pours popcorn down his helmet he’s branded a showboat.  But I digress…   

Not me though. Nope. I’m ahead of the game and you won’t see me giving Brett Favre any more attention.   I won’t write a single write a single word about...

BREAKING NEWS:  With a developing story of the most importance, the universe regretfully interrupts coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election, the Beijing Olympics and the apex of a treacherous hurricane season to bring you incessant … I meant salacious round the clock coverage of Brett Favre’s candidacy for a 17^th term/season quarterbacking the Green Bay Packers. I understand Green Bay’s intense concern for the story but why do FOX News and CNN persist on showing me these moving pictures called video of Favre’s private plan flying back and forth between these two dots on the map named Hattiesburg, Miss. and Green Bay?  What is this a meeting of the United Nations?

            This perfect storm of circumstances has been hovering over the Packers training camp since the 4^th of July when Favre hinted at a possible return after his 4 month retirement.  Early Monday morning NFL commish Roger Goodell reinstated the 9-time Super Bowl winner and Patron Saint of Wisconsin.

Correction: I’ve just been informed he only has one Super Bowl and that he has not been sainted, but he did have 400 feet of highway in Mississippi named after him.

The images of Aaron Rodgers nervously watching his draft positioning plummet in the green room on Draft Night (is it actually green or just environmentally friendly…) is still ingrained in my memory. Essentially he’s still waiting as the Aaron Rodgers era has presumably ended before it even began. 

            I have yet to witness an analyst or Packer fan entertain the remote possibility that the 24^th overall pick of the 2005 NFL Draft, who was widely perceived as the possible 1^st overall  may have a talented right arm.  (Favre was drafted with little fanfare at 33^rd) The consensus is that they should sacrifice Aaron Rodgers’ potential and confidence for one turbulent year with Favre.  

All of their personnel decisions were based off the assumption that Brett Favre and his $12 million dollars were no longer relevant.  From the surface it appears unlikely that Rodgers could sway the coaching staff’s opinion and against all odds win the QB competition.  But if Coach McCarthy wanted a truly controversial QB coral, he’d really open it up and include Brian Brohm, who has a more impressive collegiate resume than either Favre or Rodgers.  He may be inexperienced but to his credit Brohm hasn’t committed a single turnover in zero career games.

12:35 A.M./ CT: BREAKING NEWS Brett Favre’s physical exam results reveal he has a heart defect affectionately known as Benjamin Button Disease.  Results prove his heart is just as if not twice as pure as an ordinary innocent child’s.  However, his arteries are clo

gged from the 38 years of heavy consumption of cotton candy and sugar. 

            First and foremost Brett Favre and the media have to stop characterizing Thompson as the jealous team architect who felt inclined to create the team in his image—without #4.  Meanwhile, Favre portrays the role as the victim of Thompson who was coaxed into early retirement as the result of age discrimination.   It’s counterproductive.

During his Emmy nominated post-game interview following the final contest of the 2006 season, Favre melodramatically and tearfully acknowledged he was leaning towards hanging it up.  Ted Thompson—did not put that script into Favre’s contract and according to reports was not in the vicinity of his tear ducts.

Interestingly enough, the Packer fan base wasn’t exactly up in arms after Favre coughed up a single season record of 29 interceptions, and his lowest career completion percentage in consecutive seasons without a winning record.   

If anything Favre attempted to assume more control than his role allowed.  Let’s recap.

Thompson’s inability to even attempt to lure Randy Moss in 2007 and 2008 is usually cited as the straw that broke the camels back as Favre retired 24 hours later.  Hindsight is 20/20 but remember how Randy Moss was viewed 1 year ago as a diminished shell of his former self and a cancer for any team that wasn’t in Super Bowl contention?

In all honesty, For Brett Favre to even imply that Ted Thompson passed on Randy Moss in free agency to undermine his legendary quarterback is asinine.  For one thing there was no reason to believe the Super Bowl starving Moss would abandon the most explosive, awe-inspiring offense in NFL history, with all it’s weapons returning, along with a few additions on a team which faltered 60 seconds away from finishing the first 19-0 season in NFL history after one season – for a Packers franchise on the brink of a renovation?

During the 2007 offseason 2007, Thompson evaded the Moss topic with the overall approval of the fans and in 2008; he upheld his philosophy to the chagrin of the fans.  When Moss was available in the spring of 2007, Thompson didn’t pounce because it was unclear whether Moss’ attitude would infect his core of young receivers, his young backup quarterback or the locker room atmosphere for a team on the rise.  In Oakland Moss had torn the team apart.  Not to mention, that in 2005, Moss pretended to moon the crowd at Lambeau Field in the end zone as a Minnesota Viking.  

Ted Thompson is responsible for the Packers complete roster revamp, specifically including linebacker A.J. Hawk, as well as receivers Greg Jennings in the 2^nd, James Jones in the 3^rd and the acquisition of an obscure undrafted free agent from the New York Giants in exchange for a 6^th round pick named Ryan Grant,  

As for drafting Aaron Rodgers, it’s not his fault genetics suggests 35 year olds tend to decline heading into their 40’s and that Brett appeared to be stumbling toward his career’s final lap, en route to breaking the career TD record as he annually held the franchise hostage until July on whether to return.  This team is built for the long haul, not just 2008.

If Favre felt disrespected because his suggestion to hire Steve Mariucci was ignored in 2006 maybe he should let Ted Thompson call an audible in the huddle.  Every personnel move Thompson made put his job security in jeopardy not Favre’s. 

It wasn’t until Coach Mike McCarthy reeled in Favre’s gunslinger mentality that his career experienced a complete resurgence.

 Favre’s recent playoff falters including his ridiculously ill advised interception in the waning moments of the ’04 Divisional Playoffs, his final throw to date in overtime of the NFC   Championship Game, and his six completions to the Rams defenders in the 02’ NFC Championship have only provided ammunition for his detractors. 

Favre is without a doubt, one of the best quarterbacks of all time but if you look past the media’s mirage he is the NFL’s Allen Iverson.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing but he’s not the NFL’s Air Jordan like he’s made out to be.  Both are exciting to watch and extremely competitive but their greatest gifts have also become their greatest curses.  Allen Iverson is one the greatest scorer’s in NBA history, however, horrible shot selection prevents him from being recognized as a champion just as Favre’s overconfidence in his arm strength and propensity for throwing into the throat of defenses has stranded his Super Bowl count at 1.

DEVELOPING STORY:  Hours after getting rejected by the Packers in a private meeting, Favre visits hair specialist and 70’s fashion icon Walt Frazier to discuss color rejuvenation after head coach Mike McCarthy tells him “"No play for Mr. Grey!" The former NBA All-Star and Just For Men spokesman promised young, natural hair color in time for the season opener.

There are some issues I agree with Favre on though.  The Packers lost my support when they began their cowardly coddling of Favre to appease his fans.  This whole ordeal could have been averted if the Packers had shown some moxy and traded Favre to the Vikings or Bears instead of trying to pay him off.

He has not played in a Super Bowl in over a decade.  Therefore, the odds are slim he’ll single handedly lead the Vikings to reset the NFL hierarchy and infiltrate the Patriots, Cowboys and Chargers triumvirate. 

The scrutiny would only have increased had the Packers management followed through with their knee jerk reaction to put the starting job up for grabs instead of backing up their previous comments that Favre would only be welcomed in the backup capacity.  This would have forced the Packers to toe the line by supporting both of them without insulting either.  Do Shaq and Kobe come to mind for anyone else?

4:32 P.M./ CT: BREAKING NEWS: At a press conference Brett Favre retracts his previous statement suggesting GM Ted Thompson forced him into retiring prematurely.  Favre blamed his blunder on bad nacho cheese and TNT’s Being John Malcovich and Invasion of the Body Snatchers Marathon.

Unfortunately Rodgers must come to the realization that Green Bay is the only community owned franchise in sports, which was fortunate to assemble a dynasty in the 50’s and 60’s before remaining completely irrelevant until Favre’s meteoric rise in 1992.  The fans wouldn’t be this clingy in New York, D.C., or 4-time Super Bowl MVP, Joe Montana’s fall out of favor in San Francisco but Brett Favre is an iconic quarterback in a small, community. 30 days into Bay Watch ‘08 a resolution is near as Favre could be headed from the frozen tundra of Green Bay to the warm palms in Tampa Bay.  If the Favre saga is finally over, it’ll be kind of like the Baltimore Colts just snuck into Indianapolis in the middle of the night all over again.

But if you thought he was a distraction in Green Bay with 3 inexperienced quarterbacks, how is he going to blend in with Tampa which already features a plethora of 30 plus year old quarterbacks on it’s roster with a few Pro Bowls under their belts?  And if the offense starts out slow would Gruden bench Favre?  After all it was Jeff Garcia who said, “Gruden dates quarterbacks, he doesn’t marry them” in talking about himself! (By the way, the Chicago Bears would be wise to go shopping for Garcia)

Cornerback Charles Woodson couldn’t have said it any better— “Green Bay doesn’t want Brett and Favre doesn’t want Green Bay.  Today we move forward.”  And so does Bay watch…  just to a new city.

7:52 P.M./ CT: BREAKING NEWS: Texas man locates Green Bay, Wisconsin on U.S. map with magnifying glass but severely strains eyes in process.  He is expected to fully recover.  Geologists are in the process of following the coordinates to locate this desolate region.

                                                      --D.J. Dunson Jr., 8/6/08