In the latest blow to the credibility of our most hallowed institutions, the Elias Sports Bureau has admitted to fabricating a story over the weekend.
When two major leaguers -- Arizona's Stephen Drew and Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre -- each hit for the cycle on Monday, Elias announced that the rare feat had last been accomplished twice on the same day on Sept. 17, 1920, by Bobby Veach of the Tigers and the New York Giants' George Burns. Alas, that claim was no more accurate than a pitch by the Mets' bullpen.
"We at Elias learned this morning that the information we distributed on Monday night was in error," said Tom Statsny, Elias's president. "A bored employee simply made it up. For heaven's sake, George Burns didn't even play baseball. I'm not sure whether you'd call him more of an actor or a comedian, but I know he was really old."
The ruse has been traced to Joe Quigley, a college intern who was the only person working at Elias over the Labor Day Weekend. As soon as Beltre completed his cycle on Monday night to match Drew's earlier effort, Elias was inundated by requests from sportswriters on deadline asking when the last time such a statistical oddity had occurred.
"I don't want to make excuses," said Quigley, "but I was pretty upset that I was the only guy in the office. I had to skip a Labor Day barbeque, and my buddy told me there were a lot of drunk sorority girls there. Talk about missed opportunities. So I thought I'd have a little fun."
Quigley, a Detroit fan from Grosse Pointe, Mich., decided to honor overlooked Tigers outfielder Veach with part of his fake note. Veach was Detroit's starting leftfielder from 1913-23 and hit .311 for his career, but is all but forgotten because he was overshadowed by outfield mates Ty Cobb and Sam "Wahoo" Crawford.
"I never thought it was right that Veach didn't get more pub," said Quigley. "Just because he wasn't an ornery S.O.B. like Cobb and didn't have a cool nickname like Wahoo doesn't mean he should be forgotten. Even guys with boring nickname like 'JQ' don't deserve to have a cup of beer poured on them from a third-floor dorm window by some dumb football player. Not saying that happened to anybody I know."
As for coming up with Burns, Quigley concedes he pulled that name out of the air because he was watching Oh God! You Devil on Starz. Still, the intern insists he only meant his fabricated release to be a harmless prank. He didn't expect media members to believe it and run with the information.
"I thought I made it obvious I was kidding when I wrote than George Burns played for the New York Giants," said Quigley. "Come on, that's a football team, not a baseball team. Didn't anyone see the Super Bowl?"
Now Elias must work to repair its tattered image as the unimpeachable source of obscure baseball trivia.
"I don't know if I can trust Elias again," said a sportswriter who requested anonymity, but is really Tom Smiley of the New York Daily News. "Let's be honest, nobody remembers anything that happened in baseball before 1950. Elias could make up anything it wanted, and who would know the difference? Do you know the last time a lefthander with an overly prominent birthmark carried a no-hitter into the seventh inning on the summer solstice? Well, neither do I, but Elias always did. Or at least they claimed to. As far as I'm concerned for Elias, it's say goodnight, Gracie. Wait, don't use that. I want to save that line for my column."
(Editor's Note: This story is satire.)
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Comments (248) Add A Comment
I heard George Burns could really hit an off-speed pitch, but couldn't lay off of the high ones.
FGB
Neyland Stadium, TN
Total Comments (7418)
I have a headache just from reading this.
Rickapolis-Bard of…
Annapolis , MD
Total Comments (5553)
(Editor's Note: This is the "real" fake news story, not the Elias note.)
Tuna
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I'm confused! My brain hurts!
Anthony Verna
New York , NY
Total Comments (5967)
By the way (and excuse me for not making this my first comment), but I was at the game the day that Burns hit for the cycle. It wasn't THAT George Burns, of course, it was George 'Side' Burns who looked, as I recall, a lot like an early version of Elvis. And, I'm not altogehter certain that 'Elias' isn't a corruption of Elvis.
Rickapolis-Bard of…
Annapolis , MD
Total Comments (5553)
I have a headache just from reading this.
Rickapolis-Bard of Who's Who
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You old sweet-talker, you.
The 10 Spot
Total Comments (6586)
You old sweet-talker, you.
The 10 Spot | 09/02/08, 11:08 AM
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Thanks. Usually I have to pay to be told that.
Rickapolis-Bard of…
Annapolis , MD
Total Comments (5553)
TV show reference, anyone?
DOC - Major Medical | 09/02/08, 10:53 AM
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Doc, you've got me on that one.
Kari - DaPrez
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Just in case anyone can't make thru the day without knowing the answer from the previous post, it is a quote from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
DOC - Major Medical
Total Comments (1736)
OK... Marshall commented... where's the new post?
SeanNJ - Minister of Liquor | 09/02/08, 10:44 AM
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OK, my work here is done...
Marshall K. - Top…
Total Comments (6918)
Thanks. Usually I have to pay to be told that.
Rickapolis-Bard of Who's Who
If you check your FanMail inbox, you will see Pete's bill for the compliment...
Lolly
Lilburn , GA
Total Comments (7499)
Kari, just in case you didn't see it on the old post, my duty day now starts at 0700. Voluntary change on my part.
Marshall K. - Top…
Total Comments (6918)
AV,
I was literally thinking the exact same thing.
Which either means that we share a lot of attributes, or you should be very, very scared.
;-P
Kari - DaPrez
Geneva , IL
Total Comments (7945)
OK, my work here is done...
Marshall K. - Top Cat
You get more accomplished here than your job?
Lolly
Lilburn , GA
Total Comments (7499)
Wow... I wonder if Elias could tell us Pedro Cerrano's slugging percentage before and after the chicken sacrifice
SeanNJ - :(
Total Comments (1753)
Did the hurricane head northeast??
BKJ - no 10 Spot, no…
Jacksonville , FL
Total Comments (5679)
If you check your FanMail inbox, you will see Pete's bill for the compliment...
Lolly - 3 Days Shy of 35 | 09/02/08, 11:11 AM
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Drat. You're right.
Rickapolis-Bard of…
Annapolis , MD
Total Comments (5553)
I'm confused! My brain hurts!
Anthony Verna
I just skip what Pete says and go directly to the comment section... doesn't everyone? Wait, should I have put this all in caps so that Pete didn't see it?
Lolly
Lilburn , GA
Total Comments (7499)
Wow, people making up statistics. I've heard that happens in 47.29% of all cases.
BoFett
Total Comments (4311)
First 'Bigfoot', now this! It's getting to where I don't believe anything anybody says. Can we sue Elias for loss of faith?
Mr Adams
Total Comments (3322)
Kari, just in case you didn't see it on the old post, my duty day now starts at 0700. Voluntary change on my part.
Marshall K. - Top Cat | 09/02/08, 11:12 AM
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Ah. I also work a fairly early shift, 0600 to 1500.
Tuesday mornings during football season are a little tough, but other than that, I love it.
...and I love the fact that you use military time. I know you are a civilian working for the military, but nonetheless. I learned how to tell time using military time (thanks, Dad), and even though we use it at my organization to accurately schedule calls, the fact that nearly everyone uses a stupid conversion chart drives me nuts!
Add or subtract 12, people! It's not rocket science.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
Kari - DaPrez
Geneva , IL
Total Comments (7945)
Wow... I wonder if Elias could tell us Pedro Cerrano's slugging percentage before and after the chicken sacrifice
SeanNJ - Minister of Liquor | 09/02/08, 11:13 AM
I just looked it up:
Before: .424
After: .667
There is an asterisk with a note that they believe he was juicing and not just working voodoo magic.
BoFett
Total Comments (4311)
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