FanNation

Porkins said 07/08, 01:43 PM
Frank!

I am shocked over this pick. Shocked.

As grotesque as spandex-wearing men may be, Lance Armstrong did not invent bike shorts. If you want to lay blame for that abomination, the distinction goes to DuPont scientist Joseph C. Shivers.

Nor did Lance invent stuck-up arrogant dillholes. Trust me- if those guys weren't clogging the slow lane with their under-used and over-priced Cannondales, they'd be finding some other way to make your life miserable.

-Like building a golf course over your favorite hunting spot.
-Or paving your dirt bike track so they could play a rousing set of tennis with Buffy and Biff.
-Or turning your favorite dog park into a croquet court.

Wouldn't that just be grand?


Clearly, the athlete with the worst impact on American Society is Nicole Bass.

1. Thanks to Nicole, an entire generation of Americans will grow up not understanding the difference between male and female.

2. Thanks to various online photos of Nicole, the World Wide Web, which recently attained enougn artificial intelligence to become sentient, is under suicide watch.

3. Thanks to Nicole, FN users everywhere are vomiting. Profusely.

Worst impact ever

Porkins said 07/08, 02:07 PM
I learned to drive back before Lance was on the scene. And I assure you- there were plenty of retards with nonsensical hand-signals clogging up traffic, even back then.

Now I agree that self-righteous cyclists can be extremely irritating, but Lance isn't responsible for them. Did he make a bad situation worse? Sure. Just like with his little yellow bracelets. He took people who were already trendy and stupid and made them trendier and stupid-er.

But you ignore his contributions. He proved that testicular cancer can be beaten. He proved that an American can compete in what was traditionally a non-American sport.

And best of all, he ecourages exercise. Thanks to Lance, more people are active, which could lead to less obesity, less diabetes, less heart disease.

Thanks to Nicole, heart attacks are up, strokes are up, brain hemmorhages, aneurysms, embolisms, spontaneous eye-gouging, loss of bladder and bowel control...all up.

As much mileage as we (and the alleged horses) have gotten out of her...it...whatever, she should really be considered a health risk.

I just showed her picture to a guy at work and he had a seizure.

It's that bad, man. It's that bad.

Porkins said 07/08, 03:13 PM
Well, I certainly didn't intend to piss in your Kool-Aid. My apologies for souring your serious TD.

I just think that as annoying as Armstrong-disciples are, there are greater evils out there.

When you talk about an "impact on society", my mind immediately goes to the classic shrieked question:

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?


Now in the case of the oblivious spandex-wearing two-wheeled weekend-warrior, you can use that person as an example to your son or daughter:

Parent, what's wrong with the man in the funny hat?

Child, that is what grown-ups call a jerk. Jerks put on silly outfits and make other people late for work or keep you from getting to the liquor store before it closes.


But consider my case. What is a parent to do if a son or daughter were to ask about Nicole Bass?

Parent, what is that thing?

*parent finishes wretching, wipes mouth*

Child, that is a..um...it's an...OH GOD I JUST GOUGED MY EYE OUT. HOLY F***ING ASSCRACKERS!


When you can't answer a child's question, society crumbles.